I Fought the Tree and the Tree Won

It started out as a leisurely drive up the West Coast, heading home to Oregon on the way back from visiting family in Los Angeles.

The weather was nice. The scenery was beautiful. It was a pleasant trip.

Then, some fool decided to go see the drive-thru tree in the Redwoods. Seemed like a fun thing to do.

John - in a somewhat giddy manner – suggested that *I* should be the one to have the “fun experience” of driving through said hollowed-out tree trunk.

Not being afraid of a challenge (or a dare, as this probably would be more accurately described), I got behind the wheel. His plan was to wait at the other end and take a picture of me coming out. All smiles and triumphant.

(You probably already have an idea this is going to turn out badly for me.)

Everyone was in place; he with his camera, and I behind the wheel of our Voyager – with the very large side mirrors.

All systems were “go.”

Very slowly, I inched my way into the tree trunk.

I was barely inside when I decided my side mirror was too close to the inside of the tree and might break off.  Back and forth I maneuvered. Back and forth. Trying to get the vehicle straightened out.

And here is where things went horribly wrong.

I was now wedged inside the tree. Kind of sideways.

I could see John jumping up and down, waving his arms.  At first I thought he was cheering me on: You can do it, dear! Just relax! You’ll be fine! THAT'S my girl!

Wrong.

What he was REALLY saying was: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING??????

The man standing next to him – also with a camera – said: Looks like she’s trying to make a right turn.

At this point, they BOTH had very frowny faces, and were yelling and waving their arms.

I wanted to crawl out the back of the car, hold my head high and walk past all the cars waiting in line behind me, and catch a ride with the first non-yelling truck driver who passed by.

I do not remember how I got out of the tree.

What I DO remember is striding up to the man with the camera – with MY best frowny face – and saying: This had BETTER NOT show up on the Internet!!!!!

I also remember John explaining how I SHOULD have accomplished a simple thing like driving straight through a tree. With the emphasis on “straight.” He even showed me how the side mirrors collapse inward, and would not have been damaged.

It is then I noticed a small group of sightseers who witnessed the entire event.  They averted their eyes as I passed, but I could see their bodies shaking as they tried to stifle their laughter.

Not one person – NOT ONE – said: Oh, don’t feel embarrassed; you’re not the FIRST person to get stuck in the drive-thru tree!

The rest of the drive home was very quiet.